Anger: A VERY Important Emotion

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Lets talk about Rage baby, lets talk about it!
Lol, the puns just can't hold themselves in...

Seriously, lets talk about Anger and Rage, and all the other uncomfortable emotions... That are critically important.

Anger is so so important, and so many of us try to hide it.  Then there are also those that get extremely angry over nothing.  You are in this same camp with us! Sorry.

What is anger?  Fundamentally anger serves as an alarm bell when our boundaries have been crossed.  Something happened that we are actually not ok with, our boundry was crossed.  And maybe we were not aware of the boundry  before the incident, or maybe the other person was not aware of the boundry.  Regardless, a boundry was crossed.  Then anger shows up, and in a healthy situation, we own that we are angry, acknowledge it, go somewhere that is safe, to let it out and process it, then we come back to the person involved, and tell them of the boundry that was crossed.  In a healthy dynamic there would be a genuine desire to understand and be understood, there would be a little back and forth, and eventually there would be a clear solution to honor the boundary.

BUT..... Many many of us, are not that lucky to have people in our lives that truly want to respect our boundaries.  So then what happens?  A boundary gets crossed.  That person tries to stuff it down, because getting angry is "not ok,"  and we tolerate being bulldozed or acting as a door mat, until we create disease in our own bodies, or rage takes over.  And in some unfortunate cases that rage can cause a person to do criminal acts. Then we say "see! that's why anger is not ok."

Do you see the illogic in this?

How about instead, we take responsibility for ourselves.  We own our emotions, especially anger, find ways that work for us to be angry, to express that anger that would not hurt another person or animal, and we learn how to comunicate our boudaries.  And for the other side, we learn how to work with and honnor another persons boundaries.  In many cases, its likely that we will not come to agreement of how to respect a boundary.  Then what?  Its your obligation to respect your own boundaries.  If somebody is not respecting your own personal boundary, then it is your obligation to move away from them, its your obligation, to not allow the situations that are not ok with you, to come into your life.

Now if you are one of those people that wants to use something happening in society, or on television, as something happening to you, you have much more work to do.  I am sorry to say this kind of statement, not knowing at all what kind of state, you the reader might be in.  But taking something that is going on in society, and applying it directly to yourself, is not a personal boundry issue.  That is something very different.  And much shadow work is needed.  BUT!  If you are actually getting angry about it, then that shows you how important that topic is to you, and taking action to bring about the society you do want, is then your obligation.

I continue to use the word "obligation" because so many of us feel powerless to our emotions, when that is not the case at all.  You are never powerless to your emotions.  Your emotions, and very very imporant, they are telling you what you want more of in your life, and what is not ok, and that you want to change.

When anger gets stuffed down more and more, the rage surfaces.  Rage while still imporant, can cause a lot of damage.  These uncomfotable emotions, get stuffed down, because other people feel uncomfortable by your emotions, they don't understand how to handle it, so they tell you to "calm down" which is essentially telling you "don't feel how you feel,"  and then you decide to listen, and you stuff your emotions down to make the other person comfortable.  Its a very very dysfunctional cycle.

Yes, its not ok to last out at other people.  Its not ok to harm other people, but it is imporant to learn how to process and let these emotions out.  Gain the insight that the emotion was trying to deliver, then come back to the people involved and figure out a solution.  This applies to relationship dynamics, not societal dynamics.  When the larger group is involved, its still important to honor your boundaries, but the way to do that might look completely different. 

If there are societal dynamics that make you angry, you can take action, by getting a lwayer if you were wronged according to the law, you can petition, you can speak up in town hall meetings, pta meetings, you can volunteer for an organization that is doing what you believe in, you can move...

But with interpersonal relationships, romantic, friends and family...
Anger arises in response to something that is not ok, to the individual, this could be in response to abuse, crossing of personal boundaries, or even just "trying to get along."

You can only surpress things for so long before it leaks out, this leak could be an out burst, or it could be blinding psychotic rage.  We don't want blinding psychotic rate.  But it does happen.  Rage in general can be very destructive, so hopefully bringing this to light will help some of you process your emotions in a more benefical way to your sefl.

If in this moment you are experiencing rage, stop reading and go exercise, a run or an intese workout will help you balance out so that you can process the emotions.
So if rage or even anger arises, take some kind of physical action.  Do a hard workout, but cheap dishes with the intention of desctuction, go to a shooting range.  Find some way to get it out.

I personally like working out, screaming, punching the pillow and sometimes angry writing works for me.  Once I have calmed down a little bit, I usually meditte to gain clarity or deeply feel it and let the rage burn.  YES it is deeply uncomfortable.

The emotion you are experiencing has a reason and it has insight for you when you are ready.  Once you have calmed down, enough that it is tollerable to sit down either journal or meditate  so that you can gain clarity on the message.
If you know exactly what it is, like that family memenr did that thing that they know pisses you off... write out a plan of action for the next time it happens. Can you talk to them?  If so wait until you can speak calmly without getting triggered.  Try to notice any patterns, does the senario usually happen at a certian time?  Or after certian events?  Are you aware of your triggers?
Create a plan of action for each of your triggers.  If you are able to include others in your plan of action to mitigate your triggers that is wonderful.

Now after processing the anger, and writing or meditating  to gain insight, you can see where your boudaries are and where they were not upheld.  So often we are not aware of what our boundry was, and that is what the anger serves for.  Pick at least one boundary to be a non negotiable.

Here is an example:
I notice that my energy dips around 3 pm.  And a certain person is extra triggering to me at that time.  So, when I see them, I make sure to leave right at 3.  Its not negotiable.  So at 2:30 I start to get ready, because at 3 pm I have to be driving away.

Another important thing is to  identify or seek out a safe person that can be present ith your anger o rage.  This person does not shame you or egg you on.  If you do not have any safe people to be present with your intense emotions try to find a therapist that you can turn to when you need, or see them regularly.

The most important this is to not down play or hide how you feel.  Instead find safe ways to let it out, and then learn how to communicate what happened that was actually not ok with you.  Over time as you learn how to process and be present with your own anger, it will get less intense, and you will know how to honnor what arrises in you.  AND you will also become more comfortale with other people intense emotions, wich will trickle healing through out society.

A very large part of this, is being present and comfortable with what arises.  You learned how to surpress yourself to make somebody else comfortable.  But the result is that it leaks out, in more intesense, damaging and harmful ways.  

---------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, I used to get so angry, that  I would break things, like real damage.  I never expressed it to the person that I was actually angry at, and so it built up over time. It would come out in the wrong places, and at the wrong people.  Once I learned how to feel my anger and rage, it got less intense.  Also I learned how to honor myself, and my boundaries, that I was not respecting.  I wasn't respecting my own boundaries, because they didn't like them, and constantly tore them down.  But ultimately its my obligation to hold my own boundaries.  They do not honor my boundaries, because they do not honor their own boundaries, I cannot fault them for that, I must simply be strong, and allow them to hate it.  And over time they have gotten better at respecting my boundaries, and I very rarely feel angry now.  But even when I do, even in the moment, I know there is some important information in there.

​