Fernando, I love you

Hi,

I've been absent for a long time.  If you're new, welcome :)
As many of you know, Fernando my handsome (he's my husband, but I like to call him my handsome).  Because he is mine <3 and he is handsome.  Even after being in the hospital.
So Fernando got into an almost fatal motorcycle accident.  Its been two months, and it has been non stop putting out fires.  I am SO grateful for the help that I have received, and for all the donations in go fund me.
I have cried so much, in the worst places, like when I am in the grocery store, or trying to complete something at the DMV, and not "when I'm supposed to" like in front of my family (very often).

While I know everyone handles grief differently, it doesn't feel like some people around me know that.  AND (simultaneously) the way some people handle grief is so incredibly triggering that I need to leave their presence.  Its not pretty when anyone goes past their trigger points.  Yes I have plenty of trigger points.  I do try to be nice and give people warning.  But that is usually triggering to those exact people triggering me, how about that!  Got to find humor in some of it.

I was shocked and proud of myself that my flight attendant training truly kicked in.  I am so grateful I had 10 years of experience of preparing myself for serious emergencies, and living in a very stressful environment.  This back bone really helped me navigate the new level of demands suddenly dumped n me.  And I also could not have done it without the massive help from my mom  my sister in law, my good friend Kat (thesimplifiedlife.com) (she deserves a shoutout), several other friends and neighbors.  And I still found it really hard!
One I think that's a commentary on our society, and we all live such busy lives (it is normal and necessary)
Two I think a sudden dump of demands that are all immediate and important would be really hard for anyone.

And taking care of a new baby at the same time.  I would not wish this on anyone.  I was able to find good moment and enjoy them.  My precious baby needed me to have that ability.  After a little while I began to find a rhythm, thank god I was so used to self analyzing what worked and didn't that I was able to figure out the rhythms fairly quickly.

So Fernando is ok.  He or rather we have a very long journey still.  He does show some kind of improvement everyday.  Sometimes I have a big reaction, and he doesn't understand why.  I honestly believe that god protected him from dying.  And ever since I was a child I firmly believed that it was impossible to die until you have learned what you needed to learn in this life.  And I feel like god proved that is true to me.  I know Fernando has way bigger things to accomplish in this life, and he will.  We will.

People have said to me so many times "you are so strong, I can't beleive how together you are, or I would not survive the way you are"  While I do think each person that said that to me is just as strong as me (the me that they see).  Maybe I am strong?  I don't know, I don't think I am.  BUT... I am doing several things that are really helping me  and I want to share it with you:

1. I cry it out when it shows up. 
If I'm in the store, on the phone trying to pay a bill...  I do not stuff it, or tell myself to try later when I have time.  I have really tried to feel my feelings in real time as they show up.  When anger shows up, that is pretty hard to handle.  And usually doesn't get a good reaction, which makes me cry... lol

Cry it out, its good for you to release.

2. Meal prepping. 
I was just starting to learn about this.  Honestly I am eating... its a struggle a lot of days right now.  But the days that I have food prepped, wow its such a huge help.

3. I accept lots of help
even though I feel like a burden.  This is so common in our society.  I was a pro at rejecting help.  But its something, I was already working on, and honestly if I didn't accept help I would probably have passed out several times; because its just too hard to fill out paperwork, be present at the hospital with fernando, sleep, shower, cook, eat, breastfeed, take care of my baby, answer phone calls, reply to people... the list goes on.  The demands are all urgent and consuming, and eating can be done later... not really.  Hence why I would pass out.

Accept help.  

And I've also learned at how to offer help, since it is so uncomfortable to ask for help.  I have learned its best to be ridiculously specific.  A lot of people say "just let me know, anything you need" but the reality of our life in this society is that life is just too demanding.  What is better is to say "I would love to do your dishes on tuesday at 2 pm" or "I can help you with whatever you need for one hour on Monday"...  I was just as vague when offering help, and now I know be super specific.

4. Walks or exercise.
Walks have been a way for me to decompress what I accumulated during the day so far.  This is a not negotiable.

5. The flylady system
I heard about the fly lady, and downloaded the app, after watching a few videos.  What is the fly lady?  Is she a fly?  Is she really gorgeous? or together?  Its s cleaning system, and it has really helped me find a little stability.

6. Having goals
My goals totally changed within the last two months.  But still having goals, really gave me structure throughout my day.  And I have all my goals in the fly lady app now, so its build into my day.

7. The magic of presence techniques.
I almost forgot!  There are several that I am still practicing at all times.  This has really helped me cope.

So that is what has helped me get through this so far.  Do I feel on top of things? Nope!  I still have panic attacks, and there's no way I could do it without the massive help I receive from friends and family.

I hope to find the time to journal publicly, so that you can find inspiration in me processing my grief in real time.  One thing that gives me strength is believing that this will help someone else.  I hope my articles help you.

And I hope your life never gets flipped upside down.  But if it does it will be much easier, if you were already choosing to make positive changes before the incident.  I already had my habit of self analysis, drinking water, my diet, waking up early, feeling my emotions, my energetic presence practices... in place, and that helped a lot.

My friend Kat at the simplified life has created a go fund me account for us.  Thank you to those that have already donated, I am SO grateful and I don't know how I will pay you back, but hopefully someday I will <3, please donate, please re-post this, or re-post the go fund me.   This will support us in a gigantic way.  I know we are not the only ones that need support.  But just imagine if you donated $10. but you pasted on the link to 10 people and they all donated $10,  we could get to $100,000 so easily.  And all you did was donate $10, and posted a link.  That's amazing to be a part of something like that.  So thank you.  Thank for for reading my really rambely post. Thank you for being in my life.

Note to fernando, because he probably will read this: I love you my handsome.  It sucks that this happened, but you have gotten better every single day, and you will be better than before your accident.  It might take a long time, but  healing usually takes longer than we want it to.

https://gofund.me/53650c8a

Sending love Jessica

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